Tweet When I first met Christine Bryant, we were both covered in blood. It was the night of our mutual friend’s annual Zombie Crawl birthday bash, which finds us traipsing down Edgewater Drive’s bars looking like extras from “Evil Dead” every October. (Keep an eye out for us — no brains, just beer.) Over drinks […]
Guys, I was as excited as you were, but here we sit like kids on Christmas morning who got nothing but socks and underwear. As I watched The Bachelorette last night (go Peter!), I clutched my phone, anxiously waiting for 9pm – the official early start of Amazon Prime Day. The first thing to pop up was the deeply discounted Echo Dot, Alexa’s befreckled stepsister, and the rest of the page was full of 20% off offers on USB cords and makeup brushes. Where was that sale-rush?
So maybe the deals aren’t terrible or perhaps motherhood has transformed us into more sensible creatures who don’t succumb to the allure of a small discount. Here are some of today’s deals that earned Prime Day the honor of being the best Black Friday on a July Tuesday:
1. A chef’s knife – the promise of becoming the star of my kitchen, whipping up healthy meals for my hungry family. The problem is I haven’t bought a new knife in (let’s see, my oldest son is nine, sooo…) nine years. The sharpest utensil in my house is the side of your fork, and that’s the way it will stay for (let’s see, my youngest son is 5, sooo) another thirteen years.
2. Why are swimsuit models always pulling off their swimsuits?? I thought tankinis were a mom’s protected species… like baby pandas in China. Show me this swimsuit on a woman who is holding three pool noodles squatting next to the shallow end blowing up a water wing and keeping the family dog afloat with her foot while trying not to spill her sangria amid a constant chorus of “WATCH THIS!” That’s the swimsuit for me.
3. No one needs an hour off and a pedicure like a mom, but some smart husband (please don’t be mine) is going to see this gem and realize that it pays for itself in two pedicures. He must be gently reminded that the cost of a trip to the ER when I distractedly sand off the top of my finger will offset those amazing savings.
4. I only clicked on this because I thought it was a grout cleaner.
5. The Charmin Dash is baffling. If you thought running to the store for toilet paper was inconvenient, wait until you stick a button next to the toilet. You know what kids like? Buttons. You know where they would have nothing better to do than push buttons? The toilet. That trip to Publix will be looking pretty good when you’re trying to find a place to store four hundred rolls of Charmin. Thanks, Amazon Dash!
6. Hey, have your feet been wound-free lately? Fear not, because you can order a buttload of small plastic dinosaurs today for only $11.99! You too can be leaving bloody footprints on your hallway runner in less than two days thanks to your Prime membership!
7. The Roomba deal is tempting you guys, but a rescue dog is still cheaper, and a vacuum will never love you.
8. Nothing reminds people of how you got your summer beach bod like bobbing around on a giant sprinkle donut. This is a hard pass, friends.
9. I’ve been looking everywhere for an outfit that can be mistaken for sleepwear. My t-shirt and elastic-waisted pants just scream “effort” and frankly I’m tired of all the jealous looks.
10. Need a Duggar-sized tent on a Honey Boo Boo budget? Today’s your day! Nothing says “the stuff that fills my nightmares” like trying to figure out how to set up this Tent Mahal, trying to get my kids to sing camp songs with me while they beg to go home and play Minecraft, all near of a remote body of water filled with alligators and mosquitoes. Ahhh, the great outdoors.
So, just like we did last year, it’s time to turn off the electronics and be disappointed by regular things again – like this season’s Big Brother cast. Happy Prime Day!